Learn To Love Yourself

Over lockdown I have found myself returning to a singular topic time and time again; not feeling good enough to be doing whatever it is you are or want to be doing. From the 6 figure income corporate world, feeling like we don’t deserve our place or to being parents believing that they are not living up to an expectation of the ideal parent. 

Much of this is also wrapped up in imposter syndrome. A feeling that we are somehow blagging our way through the role and at some point we will be found out for the frauds we are.

I heave started to believe that one of the triggers for these feelings is where we simply don’t love ourselves.

Self-love is not created by treating yourself to a regular (incert activity of choice), be it; massage, candles in the tub, taking a yoga class, mindfulness, the gym, cold water swimming etc. However good these activities are, and believe me they are brilliant, they are not self-love. They are self-care activities that admittedly do help create space to love yourself. 

At the core of this though is the realisation that when you love who you are, you don’t need lists or reminders of when or how to care for yourself. It comes naturally to you just as it does for anyone else you love. The activities either come from a place of knowing that you are worth the time being spent or they are a sticking plaster. 

And if you feel guilty or selfish spending the time and money on yourself, you end up feeling worse and LESS lovable in the long-run. We don’t beat our friends up for the smallest mistake...but I'll bet you've done that to yourself. Am I right?

I truly believe that each and every one of us deserves to find a way to love ourselves. In doing so we challenge the idea of being good enough and we start to banish thoughts that we are an impostor in our roles.

The sad thing is that I think we have a profound belief that self love is the same as being selfish. When exploring the idea of loving yourself I looked up the definition of self-love which is:

To have a regard for one's own well-being and happiness.

This is a relatively “new” definition that seems, on the surface to be healthy, empowering and doable... or so it seems.

But then, an old core beliefs sneak in. 

Here’s what I get when I look up self-love synonyms (words that mean the same or are similar to self-love)

• narcissism

• pride

• conceitedness

• ego

• pomposity

• pridefulness

• smugness

• head bighead 

• selfishness  

• self-importance 

• self-centeredness 

• self-glory 

• self-interest
  

These are far from positive words and yet mean the same as self love. What do we take from this when we trying to reclaim the idea of self love being a positive and life affirming act yet the definitions that are associated with the words are so negative.

I truly believe that with each generation, these beliefs snowball and gain momentum. This makes self-love seem bad. And that is why it is so impossible to truly want to achieve it deep down.

I mean, why on earth would you ever want to focus on becoming selfish, egocentric, and a narcissist?

Pretty sure that you can’t even stand to be around those people and here (in your mind) you are being told this is what you need to become to be happy. It's an inner conflict and disconnects us from the idea of loving ourselves.

Talking yourself out of a belief rarely works and can require constant (oftentimes exhausting) attention. These core beliefs are stored in the subconscious mind and yet clearing self-sabotaging beliefs and inner programs from your subconscious mind is life-changing with the correct process.

Now this final thought goes contrary to what I was saying at the beginning but I do think it is worthwhile. 

Sometimes we have to change our behaviour in order to change our thinking. What I mean by this is that in order to create an opportunity to believe that we are worth self-love. We have to start with doing some of those self-care activities. Going for a session at the gym or a paddle in a river can feel superficial if we don't truly believe that we are worth that time, yet by doing so we starts to create patterns of behaviour that can shift patterns of thinking and so change our automatic negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. In this instance that we are not lovable.